It’s okay to admit that things aren’t going well right now.
You’re both at your wits’ end, and it seems like the most minor things lead you into an argument.
Maybe it’s not a constant stream of attacks, but a slow drift that has you growing apart. You don’t see the outward bickering, but inside, you know something isn’t right.
It is okay to say so and seek out the help you need. The first step to solving your problem is admitting that you have one.
Did you know there is a pattern in your arguing? Although the topic may change, the pattern remains consistent.
There are specific phrases that your spouse uses that make your blood boil. Maybe there’s a particular tone that your partner has when she’s upset, and when you hear it, you know it’s gonna be a long night.
Each of you gets hooked into this pattern in different ways, but once it starts, you each have a role that you play during the argument.
One of you becomes a defense attorney, shooting holes in the prosecutor’s arguments as to why they are hurt. Another might be that one of you gets quiet and says very little. It may feel safer for you, but it leaves your partner feeling alone.
Whichever role you play, my goal is to help you both identify the pattern that is keeping you stuck – and teach you the skills to fight the pattern, not your partner.
In couples therapy, we will start by working towards an understanding of who each of you is as an individual. This will include your individual personalities, your emotions, how you express yourself during conflict, and what hooks you into a conflict in the first place.
We will then spend time looking at your pattern of conflict. Once you are hooked into conflict, what role do each of you play? What keeps the conflict going? How does it end?
Once we have explored your unique pattern, we begin working in two ways. First, we will need to educate you on how the emotions you are expressing actually do the exact opposite of what you intend. We will work on expressing the longing behind the emotion so that you both get what you are looking for more often.
Secondly, we will work on both of you being able to identify when the pattern hooks you. Once you can do both effectively, you will be able to join as a team against the pattern.
Lastly, we will collaborate on creating new patterns of belonging. You will begin to understand each other more deeply – not only what your partner needs from you, but also why they are asking for it in the first place.
Now, you both can become empowered to truly heal some of the broken places in your spouse’s heart. This is where creating the love you always longed for begins.
Not only do we work to identify this pattern, but we also look at the emotions that often build up and either begin or prolong the conflict.
I have found that emotions are wonderful passengers, but they are terrible drivers. They look around and tell us what we’re missing, but when they get behind the wheel, they can take us off-road pretty quickly.
When you both finally see the pattern of conflict and the emotions that can prolong the fight, you have an excellent opportunity to join together to fight the pattern rather than each other.
This leads to a new way of seeing each other – eventually allowing you both to create new patterns of connection that can really open you up to a deeper level of love, communication, and connection.
So call or email today to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.
Whether you’re reaching out for yourself, your relationship, or your teen, support begins with a simple conversation.
A free 15-minute consultation can be the first step toward the steadiness and connection you’ve been hoping for.
Call or message today to get started.